Losing Everything Part 3



It took every ounce of strength John Carter had to drag

himself out of bed after his shift at Georgetown. I'm

getting old, he thought to himself. I can't pull keep up

these hours, or this lifestyle. I have to pick a city and

live there.



He'd pretty much decided he would move to DC. He felt

closer to Mulder and Scully than he did his own family, and

he felt that his work at the hospital was going well enough

that he would have no problem securing the next ER

attending position that came open. He knew Walter had left

him everything in his will, and his name was on the lease

on the townhouse. He would miss Chicago, but this place was

his home. It was the home he had shared with Walter, and it

being there was the only way he had of being close to him.



Kyle Bates had intruded into John's thoughts more than he

liked to admit in the last couple of days. He was

disappointed that he hadn't heard from him, or that Kyle

hadn't just shown up. But Kyle had made it clear that John

had to be a willing participant in this relationship, so

John supposed the proverbial ball was in his court. He'd

call Kyle after he left Mulder and Scully's place this

afternoon he decided.



He found Mulder and Scully both looking rather pale and

worn out when he arrived at their house. Scully looked like

she had been crying.



"What's wrong guys?" he asked as he scooped a cooing and

smiling Moira out of her bouncy chair and into his lap.



"John, we got some information about Walter. Its highly

classified information so you can't tell anyone any

details." Mulder began.



"I came into possession of some documentation from the

Department of Defense that had the names of a couple

thousand of the people who have been abducted. They were

tried for war crimes and executed, John. Walter's name was

there. He died in December." Mulder put his hand on John's

shoulder, his hazel eyes moist with unshed tears. "John,

I'm so damn sorry."



John felt all the warmth in his body drain away. He didn't

realize how much he had still hoped Walter was coming home

until that moment. He looked over to where Dana sat on the

couch, tears trailing down her face. It was true. He was

really dead. dead. dead.



John couldn't think the words enough times to accept them.

He realized tears were spilling down his face and falling

on Moira's little head. He kissed her gently and put her in

her bassinette, turning to stare out the window. His chest

felt tight; he couldn't catch his breath. He needed to hold

Walter in his arms and tell him how much he loved him. The

need was so real it was an ache in his soul. He could

almost feel the weight of Walter in his arms and the smell

of their lovemaking on his skin. The sound of his laughter

rang in John's ears.



It took John a moment to register that Dana had come up

behind him and slipped her arms around his waist, pressing

her cheek to his back. "John, he loved you so much. He

wouldn't want you to give up on life. Please don't slip

away from us. I know it may not seem like it, but there's

still some happiness in the world for you."



He patted her hands where they met around his waist, a

waist gone from slender to skinny in the past few months.

He was slipping away; wasting away to nothing in the face

of his pain. He's spent months running on fumes while

working double shifts and doing anything and everything to

not face this moment. But here it was; and Dana was holding

on to him for dear life and wasn't going to let him go.

Mulder joined them and wrapped his long arms around John's

lanky form, the strength of them holding him up. He wanted

to die, but he was surrounded by the love of his chosen

family and they weren't going to let him go.



After a long moment of the three of them held in this

awkward dance of pain Moira let out a shrill cry and Scully

pulled away from John hesitantly.



"I think that was an order for Moira's 24 hour dairy

service." She joked, settling on the couch to nurse the

baby.



John sat down next to her on the sofa, running his fingers

absently over the top of Moira's downy soft head. Yes,

there was something still beautiful left in his life. John

was going to stick around to make sure this little girl got

no ideas about joining the FBI in the future.



"Very few people know about this, but I'm sure Kersh will

go ahead now and declare Walter legally dead.

Unfortunately, I could be imprisoned for having this

information and we can't tell any of the other next of

kin." Mulder said quietly. "For everyone's safety I would

be careful how you share the information. I would tell

people that Walter has been declared legally dead, not that

we have confirmation he was executed. A subtle but

important difference that will keep people from asking too

many questions."



"Well it's not goddamn fair that people can't ask

questions. This is the kind of shit the Nazis did, not

stuff that's supposed to happen in fucking America. We live

in a police state now, not a democracy. When are people

going to realize that the colonists are going to do the

same thing to us that we did to the Native Americans when

we colonized their land? In a hundred years we're going to

be another dead culture in some race's history books." John

said bitterly. He felt venom coursing through his veins. He

couldn't believe the FBI was going to cover this up and act

like it never happened. Walter had served his country in

Vietnam and been a federal employee with an exemplary

career; he deserved more than this from the government.

They were perfectly willing to brush his death under the

rug like he had never existed. John vowed silently that

somehow they were going to pay for all the pain they had

caused. They were going to pay for Walter's life, and all

the years they would never have together.



They sat quietly while Scully nursed the baby to sleep,

then she went into the kitchen to fix them all something to

eat. They picked at their food, none of them having an

appetite.



It wasn't long before John couldn't take the awkward quiet

anymore. He needed to clear his head. "Guys, I'm gonna head

home. I need some time alone. I think I'll call in sick for

my shift tonight and drive the Montero back to Chicago

instead of flying. Mulder, can you arrange for someone to

come pick up the bureau fleet car? It's still sitting in

the parking garage." John just remembered Walter's shirts

he'd dropped off at the cleaners. He'd have to go get them

today too.



"Come over for dinner tonight?" Scully asked, giving him a

tight hug.



"Yeah, I'll see you later. I just need to think. Don't

worry, I won't drink." He assured her, answering the silent

question in her troubled eyes. "You can do a breathalyzer

on me when I come back. I might even go to a meeting

today." He hadn't been to an AA meeting since Walter

disappeared...since Walter had been around to insist that

he go.



John drove home on autopilot, barely noticing his

surroundings until he pulled into the parking garage. He

entered the townhouse quietly, afraid for some reason to

disturb the silence. He suddenly understood the old Chinese

proverb about the sound of one hand clapping; that was what

he felt like. Without Walter he was incomplete,

inconsequential.



John went into the kitchen and got the Murphy's Oil Soap

from under the sink. He took it and a bucket upstairs and

polished the bedroom furniture until it gleamed. He lined

up all of Walter's shoes in the closet, arranged his ties

on the tie rack so they all hung at the same length. He

carefully unfolded and refolded all of the clothes in the

bureau drawers, stacking the tee shirts by color.



Next came the downstairs. He polished all the furniture,

vacuumed and scrubbed the downstairs bathroom and the

kitchen. When the sun went down the townhouse was sparkling

clean and John was still full of nervous energy. He went

into Walter's study and neatly stacked all the papers on

his desk, filed away the piles of folders, cleaned the

picture frames that held Walter's degrees and

certifications.



Finally there was nothing left to do, and John had to admit

to himself that he had forgotten how to be alone. He

realized he had forgotten to call Scully about dinner and

she'd probably start worrying soon. He was surprised she

and Mulder had even let him leave their apartment today.



He suddenly felt so envious of their relationship. They had

been in love before Mulder's abduction; that had been

obvious to anyone who saw them in a room together. But

Mulder had come back a changed man; something in him had

opened up. Before he had been loyal and compassionate-now

he was an affectionate and warm friend and a doting husband

and father. He'd come home with a full appreciation of what

life had to offer and didn't hesitate to express his joy

and gratitude for the blessings he had. John had always

viewed him as a friend, but the support and comfort he had

offered since Walter's disappearance had turned the two men

into brothers of a sort.



John had never had that kind of approval from another man

in his life, and he'd never realized how much he'd needed

it until Mulder had offered it to him. It just wasn't true

that you couldn't pick your family; his lived in a small

apartment in Alexandria.



The phone rang. It was Mulder.



"You must have been reading my mind, I was just thinking I

should call and tell you I would be late for dinner." John

said.



Mulder chuckled. "No, I'm not reading minds this week.

Scully just announced she's not cooking, so I can make tuna

fish sandwiches or you can tell me what you want on your

half of the pizza."



"Ham and pineapple and I'll be there in half an hour."



"Gross. What an atrocity to pizzas everywhere. See you

then. Don't dawdle or Scully will be convinced you had a

traffic accident or something. She's playing mother hen

today."



"Okay, tell her I'm alive and well AND sober, I know that's

what she's thinking." That was one of the downsides of

being a recovered addict; every time you had life crisis

the people around you were convinced you would start using

again.



"Okay man, see you in a little while." Mulder said as he

hung up.



John put down the phone, then reached into his pocket and

fished out his wallet, pulling out the piece of paper with

Kyle Bates' cell phone number on it. He picked up the phone

and dialed the number. It rang several times and John was

about to hang up when Kyle finally answered.



"Kyle, it's John."



"John, I was getting worried about you. It's good to hear

your voice. How are you?"



"I've been better." John said honestly. He took a deep

breath and went on. "The FBI is closing the investigation

into Walter's disappearance and declaring him legally

dead."



There was a long pause. John heard Kyle exhale slowly.



"John, I'm so sorry. I wish I were there to be with you. Do

you want me to come to?"



"Yes, but don't do it. I need to deal with this on my own.

I'm going to skip off work early and drive our jeep back to

Chicago. It should only take me about ten hours. I'll call

you when I get home."



"Please do. I miss you."



"I miss you too." John was surprised to hear himself say

the words, but it was true. He hadn't been able to get Kyle

off his mind.



"Drive safely. I'll talk to you soon. If you need to talk

you can call anytime."



"Thanks, I might just take you up on that. Goodnight,

Kyle."



"Goodnight, John. Try to take it easy and get some rest."



John hung up the phone and was almost ashamed to admit that

he felt a little better. He changed out of cleaning agent

covered clothes and left for Mulder and Scully's place.



Dinner was a quiet affair. They were all emotionally

exhausted. John fell asleep on the sofa watching the Lakers

game with Mulder. He woke up early in the morning to the

sound of Moira crying to be fed. He heard Scully moving

around in the bedroom and sat up, yawning and stretching.

Trying to be quiet in case Moira went back to sleep, he

padded into the kitchen and made himself a bowl of cereal

and started the coffee pot. He sat back down on the sofa

and turned on the teevee to watch Good Morning America,

keeping the volume down low.



After a while Scully joined him in the living room after

getting a cup of coffee. "Oh, thanks for starting the

coffee. It smells so good."



"No problem. I'm going to leave soon. I'm going to bring

the SUV back to Chicago with me. I'll probably still fly

here for work, which means you'll have to drive me around,

but at least I won't be dependent on public transportation

in Chicago."



"Are you going to see your new friend again?" she asked

casually.



"Yeah, I probably will." He was quiet for a long moment.

"Don't hate me Dana. I'm just lonely. He'll never replace

Walter. I'll always love him."



Her eyes were warm and sympathetic. "John, no one is going

to hate you. I certainly don't. No one expects you to walk

around in sackcloth and ashes for the rest of your life.

You're a young man. You can start over, and no one will

think any less of you."



John didn't feel young. Though he was only thirty-one, he

felt as if he'd lived a hundred lifetimes in the past four

months. And the previous three years had gone by so

blissfully fast. Too fast. He wished he could reach and

take each moment back, appreciating them for the cherished

moments they were. Appreciating Walter for the wonderful

person that he had been. Appreciating how blessed he had

been to know such happiness.



"I don't know how to do this, Dana. I don't know how to

move on. So if I start fucking up, make sure to let me

know, alright?"



She smiled. "In a heartbeat, Carter."











When John pulled up in front of Kerry Weaver's house twelve

hours later he felt considerably better. The long quiet

drive had given him some time to clear his head, and some

time to just be alone with his memories. It had almost been

like being alone with Walter, just engulfing himself in his

memories of their life together. It made John feel more

centered.



Kerry was sitting on the sofa watching teevee. She was

surprised to see John. "Carter, did you take a cab from the

airport? You know I would have come to pick you up. I

thought you were working in DC today."



He sat in a chair opposite the couch. "Kerry, the FBI

decided to close Walter's case. For reasons I'm not allowed

to discuss they have decided to declare him legally dead."



Tears shone in her eyes. "Oh John, I'm so sorry. He was a

good man. We all cared about him. I know how much you loved

him."



John played absently with the gold band on his finger,

twisting it back and forth. "Yes, I do love him. I always

will. But I know for certain now that he's not ever coming

back. I have to figure out how I'm going to live with that.

I thought we were going to grow old together, and I

suddenly have this big empty future in front of me. I'm

scared." He said honestly.



"John, you know if you need some time off from work or

anything, you just have to ask. County has a

very...liberal... policy on domestic partners and you're

allowed 4 weeks paid leave when a spouse dies."



John shook his head. "No, working is the only thing keeping

me sane. The last thing I need is time off work to sit

around and feel sorry for myself. I manage to find plenty

of time for that as it is. But I appreciate the thought."

He stood. "I'm gonna go start my laundry. Thanks for

everything Kerry. Not just now, but the last few months.

You've been great."



John went downstairs and unpacked the few things he'd

brought back from DC, mostly dirty laundry he hadn't had

time to do. He loaded up the washing machine and went back

to his room, picking up the phone and punching in Kyle's

number.



"Hey, I'm home." He said when Kyle answered.



"Good, I'm glad you made it in okay. Was it a nice drive?"



"Yeah, actually it was. It gave me a lot of time to think."

He paused. "Kyle, I'd like to see you tonight if it's not

too late. I can come to your hotel or you can come here."



"I'm not staying in a hotel anymore. I found something a

little more permanent since I'll be here a little while.

I'm sharing an apartment with a couple of people." Kyle

didn't mention that it was a rebel safehouse and he was

protecting two scientists that were headed for the new labs

in DC.



He hadn't said yes or no. John felt a hitch in his throat

when he spoke again. "Well, if you're busy I understand..."



"No, that's not it at all. We just wouldn't have much

privacy here. Why don't I come to your place? Want me to

bring dinner?"



John laughed. "Am I that skinny? Everybody I know is trying

to feed me lately." But he knew the answer. He was cinching

in his 32-inch waistline pants with the last notch on his

belt to keep them from falling off: he was downright skinny

now.



"I think you're pretty damn hot, Dr. Carter, no matter how

thin you are. But you do look like a guy who hasn't paid

any attention to his own needs in a while."



"Okay, then bring me dinner. Surprise me."



"Will do. See you in about an hour."



They hung up and John had to admit he was both nervous and

excited so see Kyle again. Another part of his anatomy

besides his brain seemed excited by the prospect too. He

cleaned up his room and changed the sheets on his bed.



Thankfully Kerry was in bed when Kyle arrived. They ate

quietly in the kitchen, John noting that Kyle had brought

him a virtual feast of "comfort foods", chicken noodle soup

and egg salad sandwiches and a whole loaf of banana nut

bread. While John was loading the dishwasher Kyle grabbed

him by the waist and pulled him into a tender, lingering

kiss.



"I've been waiting to do that since the second I walked in

the door." Kyle whispered in his ear.



Kyle's hot breath against his skin sent all the blood in

John's body rushing to an area other than his brain. "Mmmm,

I wouldn't mind if you did it again."



When Kyle was done the only thing holding John upright was

the fact that he was leaning against the counter. He'd

embedded his fingers in Kyle's thick brown hair, giving

himself over completely to the warmth of the other man's

mouth. Kyle ran his fingers all over John's face, neck and

torso while he kissed him, his hands ending up holding

tightly to the small of John's back, pressing them into an

embrace that left no doubt in either mind about what the

other was thinking.



"John, you have no idea what you do to me. I can't keep my

hands off of you." Kyle said as he nibbled John's ear.

"You're the most beautiful man I've ever seen. You're eyes,

your lips..."



John gave a throaty chuckle and pressed a kiss into the

hollow of Kyle's neck. He smelled of sandalwood again. John

inhaled deeply, enjoying the heady scent. "Let's go to bed,

Kyle."



Kyle nodded mutely and let John lead him downstairs. Once

the door was closed behind them John couldn't get Kyle's

shirt undone fast enough, desperate to feel the other man's

skin against his own. Their clothes quickly ended up in a

pool of cotton and denim on the floor.



John pulled Kyle onto the bed and proceeded to ravish him,

kissing and touching every inch of him. The first time he

ran his hand over the length of Kyle's penis Kyle was

already teetering on the edge of release. "Slow down, John,

I'm not going anywhere." He implored, moving John's hand

away.



John was panting heavily. He wanted to be inside of Kyle so

badly. There wasn't enough blood going to his brain for him

to think straight. He reached over and opened the bedside

drawer. "Shit."



"What?"



"I'm out of condoms."



Kyle kissed him, leveraging himself on top of John, pulling

him down onto the bed. "That's okay. I'm assuming you and

Walter were both tested?"



John nodded, his eyes closed. "Yeah, I'm clean. I was

tested again in rehab since I used IV drugs." He admitted,

embarrassed.



"Then I trust you." Kyle said, moving down and taking the

head of John's penis in his mouth.



"Oh God!" John shouted, the heat and warmth and suction

overwhelming him. He squirmed and bucked at the incredible

sensations Kyle was wringing from his body.



It didn't take long. John felt the pressure increasing and

new he was about to come. He tried to pull away, giving

Kyle a chance to stop if he wished. "Kyle, Kyle, I'm

gonna... oh shit..." he saw stars behind his eyes as he

bucked upward with his orgasm, hot and cold lightning

jolting through his body all at once. Kyle didn't move, or

stop. He swallowed John's seed and only let go of John's

body once his shaking had stopped.



John pulled him up to kiss him, running his hand down the

length of Kyle's body. He ran his thumb over the head of

his penis, eliciting a moan from deep in Kyle's chest. John

reached for the lubricant and warmed a dollop in the palm

of his hand before wrapping the hand around the shaft of

Kyle's penis, pumping slowly as his mouth lingered on

Kyle's chest, sucking his nipples and nuzzling his face in

the sparse hair of his chest. He pumped steadily as he

kissed and nibbled the man who writhed in his arms. Kyle

dug his hands into John's shoulders and arched his back, a

low "ahhh" escaping from his mouth as he came.



Once the shudders had left Kyle's body John kissed him once

more and slipped from the bed, going to get a towel. He

brought the towel and a warm wet washcloth back to bed,

gently cleaning the semen from Kyle's and his own stomach

before drying Kyle and planting a tender kiss right below

his navel.



Kyle wrapped his arms around John. John relaxed into the

embrace, his head tucked under Kyle's chin. He could feel

Kyle's heart beating beneath his cheek. The embrace was

deliciously warm and intimate. They stayed that way for a

long time before Kyle finally spoke. "John, do you want to

talk about Walter?"



John sighed. "Officially, I can't. The bureau records are

classified and all I'm allowed to say is that he's been

declared legally dead. I can't talk about the evidence, but

it was sufficient for me to believe that it's true. I wish

they would release his body for burial, but apparently he's

been dead since December and there is no body now."



Kyle nodded in understanding. "I can't visit Elizabeth's

grave either. It hurts. I wish I could go leave her

flowers, or sometimes just go talk to her. One day, when

all of this shit is over and I have permanent place to call

home I'm going to put up some kind of memorial to her."



"Why can't you visit her grave? Is she buried really far

away or something?"



John felt Kyle's arms tighten around him. "John, I have to

tell you something. Elizabeth...she wasn't normal."



He very quietly told John the story of Elizabeth's life and

death, a few tears escaping from his eyes as he spoke. John

didn't respond for several long seconds. When he did, his

voice was soft but determined.



"Kyle, I'm so sorry. I hate the government for letting all

this happen. My friends in DC, the ones that are FBI

agents, they knew for years that this was going to happen

and no one believed them. Walter knew it too. Mulder was

abducted last year. They did things to him, mutated his

DNA. I'm so sick of sitting by and let all this happen.

I've heard rumors that there are underground groups of

dissidents trying to find a way to stop the colonization.

I'm seriously considering finding a way to help them." He

held Kyle tightly, feeling so close to him. They had both

been robbed of their loved ones by the government and the

aliens. No wonder they had felt so drawn to one another.



Kyle let him go and sat up on the edge of the bed, looking

deep in John's eyes. "John, I didn't plan to tell you all

this tonight. I just wanted to be here for you, to be with

you, but I don't think I'm gonna find a better time to

bring it up. I work for one of those dissident groups. I

help scientists who are going underground get to safe

houses and kinda help them vanish. I also work as a courier

for information between the labs. I'm currently working on

bringing in some scientists here in Chicago to a base of

sorts in DC."



"Wow. I had no idea. I can't believe you didn't run in the

other direction when I told you that Walter was with the

FBI."



Kyle took his hand, running his thumb over the knuckles.

"The reason I didn't is I knew who Walter Skinner was the

minute you said his name. John, I also know your friend Fox

Mulder. My father was part of the consortium he worked so

hard to expose. My father knew Spender and Mulder's father

Bill."



John froze. "So, is that why you got involved with me? Is

that why you're here, to get to Mulder somehow?" he thought

of Moira and her immunity to the alien viruses. He stood,

reaching to pull on his jeans. "Are you trying to get to

the baby to experiment on her some more? Mulder and Dana

already did everything they could to make the vaccine. No

one is going to touch Moira."



Kyle stood and put his hands on John's shoulders. John

shrugged him off. "John, no! I met you by total

coincidence. Look, John, Mulder already came to see me. I

assured him that no one was trying to use him or his

family. I probably should have run in the other direction

when I met you, but I couldn't. I was so lonely, and you

are so kind and smart and handsome and I was so fucking

attracted to you the minute I saw you. And now I'm not just

attracted to you, I care about you. Please John, believe

me."



His eyes were pleading and sincere. John wanted to believe

him. He didn't want to lose him. And if Mulder had believed

him then maybe he was telling the truth. If Mulder hadn't

believed him he would have told John all of this.



"Why didn't Mulder tell me all of this while I was in DC?"



"I asked him not to. I felt it was my place to do it. I

wanted to be honest with you, but it's not like everybody

spills every skeleton in their closet the first few times

they go out with someone new. And you were hurting so much

John, I wanted to be there for you, not get you all bogged

down in my personal shit too."



John let Kyle pull him into a tight embrace. "John, I'm

sorry, I'm sorry. I'm telling you everything I can without

compromising my work. Please believe me. I don't want to

hurt you. I would never hurt your friends. We asked Mulder

to join us, yes. They are really interested in getting Dr.

Scully on board, but if they don't seek us out we won't ask

again. We're trying to give people back freedom, not help

take even more of it away."



John rested his head on Kyle's shoulder. "I believe you.

It's just a lot to take in at once."



Kyle stroked the top of his head. "I don't want any secrets

between us John. I have hopes that maybe when you can start

thinking about your future again I'll be in it. I really

care for you. As soon as I knew this was more than just a

fling I knew I would tell you everything, but it didn't

seem prudent to do it over the telephone."



"Kyle, I care about you too. But I need time. This isn't

just a fling, but I don't know what it is yet. I just can't

see making the same kind of commitment to anyone else that

I had with Walter, not right now. Can you understand?"



"Yeah, I can. We'll do what we said; we'll be honest with

each other and take things as they come. But I'll be here,

I promise." He smiled gently. "So every time we go to bed

you don't have to act like it's the last meal of a starving

man."



John laughed. "Can I help it if I can't keep my hands off

of you?"



Kyle laughed and hugged him tighter. "It's kinda cute.

You're like a hormonal teenager. It's very flattering."



"So dad, since I ate a full meal can I have a beer? Just

one?" John pleaded. He wondered when he was going to be

"recovered" long enough that anyone would trust him to at

least have alcohol, which wasn't what he'd even been

addicted to in the first place.



"Yeah, let me get some clothes on and I'll going you."



They dressed and went upstairs to retrieve a couple of

beers from the refrigerator. They sat on the sofa and

watched a basketball game and talked. John told Kyle of his

long-term plan to eventually move to DC as soon as he got a

permanent job.



"I could help you with your rent and stuff if you want to

go ahead and move. In a couple of months I'll be out there

permanently myself. Well, semi permanently. With what I do

I end up bouncing between two states at one time while I

facilitate the move and help set up facilities. Last time

it was LA to Chicago. Sometimes the people trying to go

underground have to bounce around a lot to avoid detection;

sometimes people put private eyes on their tails.

Especially if they were in a position to have any sensitive

information." He took John's hand. "But if DC is your home

it's mine too. I think my home is wherever you are, John

Carter."



John couldn't respond. His throat was tight with emotion.

He couldn't believe how willing Kyle was to put his heart

on his sleeve and offer it to John. John wished he could

open up enough to do the same, but his heart screamed that

he just couldn't do that yet. Time. He just needed time.



Kyle spent the night and left early in the morning, before

Kerry woke. It had felt wonderful to John to go to sleep

with someone's arms around him. He slept deeply and

dreamlessly. It was a comfort after so many nightmares in

the past few months. Kyle kissed him tenderly and brushed

John's hair from his face as he prepared to leave. "What's

your work schedule like?"



"Surprisingly humane. Two 7p's to 7a's, then three 3 to

11's then two days off."



"So you don't go in tonight until seven? Wanna do lunch? Or

dinner? I could meet you at that place across the street

from the hospital."



"Doc Magoo's? Sure, why don't we meet about five?"



"Great. See you then." He smiled at John from the door and

closed it behind him.



John rolled over onto the spot where Kyle had slept,

enjoying the warmth and smell Kyle had left behind. He

yawned and settled back to sleep.



As soon as he woke up again at 10am he called Mulder's

office.



"Mulder, why didn't you tell me about Kyle?"



Mulder sighed. "He asked me not to. He wanted to tell you

everything himself. I'm assuming he did."



"Yes, he told me everything last night. I just wanted to

make sure you really think he's on the up and up."



"Yes, I do. I've done some investigating of my own and

everything he told me pans out. The only problem I have now

is talking Scully out of going to work for that lab. She's

all gung-ho about it."



"Mulder, I'm giving it serious thought myself. We have to

do something."



"John, stop. There are ears everywhere. Some things are

better discussed in person."



John assumed that meant Mulder thought his line was bugged,

and dropped the subject. "Okay, I won't be back your way

for about a week. Keep an eye on the place, okay? Oh, and

could you go by the dry cleaners and pick up Walter's

shirts? And don't tell Dana about that."



"Sure man, no problem. I'll pick them up and hang them in

the closet."



"Thanks. I know I have to do something with his things, I'm

just not sure what yet. It feels too soon."



"Then don't do anything you aren't ready for. Just wait

until it feels like the right thing to do."



"Yeah, that's what everyone keeps telling me. I guess I

just don't like feeling like I'm always waiting. Waiting

til I'm ready, waiting til it feels right. I'm ready for

something to feel right again. It hasn't for so long."



"John, you're being way too hard on yourself. Stop pushing-

that won't accomplish anything. You're not gonna recover

from losing everything in just a couple of months. I know I

didn't."



Mulder didn't talk much about his abduction. He didn't

remember much of what had been done to him, and he seemed

to just be so damned grateful that he was home that he put

the whole thing behind him.



"At least you came back though. Walter isn't."



"Yeah, but I had no idea I was ever coming back until I

woke up walking down the interstate in Oregon. And the

telepathy; it was pure hell being able to read Moira's

perceptions of her in utero life and thinking I would never

see her. And knowing how tormented Dana was, and not being

able to reach out to her. It was hell. Pure hell. Dante`

couldn't have come up with anything worse."



John felt a pang of sympathy for his friend. Sometimes he

got so wrapped up in his own shit that he forgot how many

millions of people were suffering right now. And how much

people like Mulder and Kyle had suffered for years before

the rest of the world even knew the truth.



"That must have been awful."



"Yeah, but that's a story for another day." Mulder said

briskly. "I've gotta run, man. I'll talk to you soon."



"Okay man, later." John hung up the phone. He hated that he

had dredged up such upsetting issues for Mulder, but he

felt a lot better about the situation with Kyle knowing

that Mulder approved of him.









When John got to Doc Magoo's at quarter til five the place

was packed. Several of his coworkers were sharing a table

and hailed him over.



"Carter, where the hell have you been? You practically

disappeared on us." Dave Malucci said.



"Well, I'm moonlight in another state. I'm either working

or on a plane to go to work somewhere."



"I heard that the authorities have declared Walter legally

dead. I'm really sorry, man."



"Yeah, well, it's definitely not what I wanted to hear, but

it's better than not knowing what happened to him." John

replied.



"John, why do you keep staring at the door?" Mark Greene

asked. "Are you waiting for someone?"



John blushed to the tips of his toes. "Yes, I am. His name

is Kyle. He's a friend of mine."



"Is that the same guy Deb Chen said came looking for you a

couple of weeks ago?" Dave asked.



John's hands suddenly felt clammy. "Yeah, that's him."



Mark smiled. "So is this a friend, or a friend "friend"

Carter?"



John laughed awkwardly, silently planning his friend's

untimely deaths. "You guys are such assholes. This is not

Jerry Springer. My personal life is none of your business."



Dave laughed, slapping his hand on the table. "You are

busted, Carter! This isn't just a friend, this is a date.

So how long have you been seeing him?"



"Dave, how 'bout I break your face? Yes, alright, he's more

than just a friend. I've been seeing him a couple of weeks

and if you ask me another fucking question or act like a

shithead in front of him I'm going to fix it so that no

trauma team in the state can put you back together." As

John spoke he saw Kyle come in the door. He waved him over,

scooting his chair over to make room for Kyle to sit.



He stood as Kyle came over to the table. "Kyle Bates, this

is the Doctors Dave Malucci and Mark Greene, and Randi, our

desk clerk, who has been thankfully quiet this evening.

Everyone, this is Kyle."



Kyle shook hands with everyone and sat down next to John.

"How did you sleep?" Kyle asked in a low voice for only

John to hear.



John smiled, squeezing his hand under the table. "Just

great. Let's eat. I'm starving."



Mercifully John's coworkers excused themselves when John

and Kyle's food came.



"So did I pass inspection?" Kyle joked.



"I think so. One thing you'll learn about people who work

in hospitals is there are no secrets, from the surgeons to

the janitors everyone knows everyone else's business. By

time I get to work everyone in the whole ER and probably

surgery will know I've got a boyfriend."



Kyle grinned boyishly. "Does that mean I've officially made

it to boyfriend status?"



John kicked him playfully under the table, grinning. "Yeah,

I think so. You feed me pretty well and you're an

incredible kisser."



Kyle was still smiling, but his eyes were serious. "John, I

don't plan to see anyone else. I don't want to be with

anyone with you. If that's not what you're looking for, I

hope you'll tell me."



"I don't plan to see anyone else either. I want to be with

you Kyle. I think declaring this a monogamous relationship

from here on in would make me happy. Do you agree?"



"Agreed." Kyle said, a sunny grin breaking out on his face.



John was pleased to have made Kyle so obviously happy. He

looked down at his hands, noticing again the gold band on

his left hand. He wondered if he should take it off, but he

couldn't stand the thought. He also wondered if it bothered

Kyle for him to still be wearing it. He noticed Kyle no

longer had on a wedding band. Maybe he should put it on a

chain and wear it around his neck.



After dinner they walked out to Kyle's car and stole a

couple of quick kisses when no one was looking before John

went in to take report. John's heart felt light for the

first time in months when he entered the ER. God help him

and Walter forgive him, but he was actually happy.



End part 3


Losing everything part 4



By DeathStryke





Dana Scully sat at her kitchen table, surrounded by piles

of reports that required her signature or some other

detail, a cup of coffee growing cold next to her laptop.

She was lost in thought. Her conversation with her husband

about the network of rebel scientists had dominated her

thoughts for days now.



Everything in her screamed that joining them was the right

thing to do. Her family had suffered so much at the hands

of the aliens and the human traitors who had facilitated

their colonization of earth. If she wanted her daughter to

have a future they had to do something. The government most

certainly would not. They had too eagerly accepted the

"gifts" the aliens brought; genetic research lifetimes

ahead of human capability that produced crops immune to any

fungus or parasites, cures to diseases such as leukemia and

sickle cell anemia. She supposed it made it easier for them

to believe that the aliens were offering humanitarian aid

instead of taking over the planet.



Mulder didn't want her to do it. After his years of

fighting to uncover the truth of this conspiracy, risking

both of their lives numerous times in the process, he was

now a man simply terrified of losing his family. But she

knew him better than he knew himself. She knew he longed to

do something to stop this, or at least resist it. But each

time they looked at Moira they were stopped short by the

realization that it was no longer just their own lives they

risked.



But if they didn't fight back Moira might have no future at

all. Nor would any other man, woman or child on the face of

the earth. She and Mulder had lost siblings, parents, and

friends to stop this from happening. They couldn't stop

now. Moira was no safer with them passively standing by and

letting aliens take away their home, their freedom. They

owed her more than that. They owed it to Samantha, Melissa,

Bill Mulder and Walter Skinner.



She picked up the telephone and punched in a number.



"John, it's Dana. Can I have Kyle Bates' cell phone number?

I need to talk to him about something he said to Mulder

last week." She jotted the number down as John Carter

called it off.



"Yes John, I'll be careful. Take care."



She hung up the phone and stared at the telephone number

for a long minute, making her decision. She dialed the

number.



"Kyle, hello, this is Dana Scully. I'd like to talk to you

about your meeting with my husband last week. Yes, this

line is secure. I'd like to meet with Dr. Parish about and

talk to her about what kind of assistance I can offer from

my end."



Kyle told her to meet Dr. Parish at a coffee shop in a less

than affluent part of town. She wrote down the address and

told him she would meet the other woman there in two hours.

She considered calling her mother to stay with the baby,

but she felt safer taking her along. Margaret Scully was a

woman in her early sixties with a touch of arthritis and

osteoporosis; Dana was a woman with a semi automatic

handgun. It was an easy choice to make.



She nursed the baby and changed her diaper before swaddling

her in her fleece bunting. She stuck her cell phone and car

keys in the diaper bag and her weapon in the shoulder

holster before shrugging into a linen jacket. Sweaters just

didn't hide the holster as well as jackets did. She left

Mulder a brief note that she would be home in a few hours

and locked the door to the apartment.



Scully watched carefully to make sure she wasn't being

tailed as she drove through town. After a few miles she was

satisfied that no one was following her. She found the

coffee shop, a nondescript restaurant that looked like the

many others owned by the same food service company.



She lugged the baby, car seat and all, into the restaurant. A

sleeping Moira was not a creature one wanted to disturb,

especially when you wanted to avoid attention. She saw a

blonde woman about her size sitting in a booth in the back.

She wore a turtleneck sweater and her hair up in a bun, her

wire rim glasses slipping down her nose as she read from a

book. Scully approached her carefully and asked in a low

voice "Dr. Parish?"



The woman looked up and smiled. She looked closer to Dana's

age than the 45 she actually was. "Yes, I'm Dr. Parish. You

must be Dr. Scully, and this little darling must be Moira."



"Yes, but please, Dana is fine. I'm so used to Agent Scully

that I might not answer if you call me Dr. Scully."



"And call me Julie, please. I still think of Dr. Parish as

my father, not me."



A waitress approached and both women ordered coffee.



"Dr. Parish, I wanted to talk to you about some of the

things my husband told me you discussed with him about your

organization." She spoke in a low tone, keeping her

expression blank. "I want to help, but I need to know what

exactly that entails."



Julie Parish pushed her glasses up her nose, stirring cream

into her coffee. "That depends on how involved you want to

be. I started out just slipping information and some

supplies out of my own labs at UCLA, but they were on to me

and I had to go underground. I've been bouncing all over

the country for the last few months to keep them from

finding this lab. But in a way I'm glad to be fully

committed now. It's hard leading a double life, having to

look over your shoulder every moment. I don't have access

to all of the resources I did before, but Kyle has a knack

for making sure we get what we need."



"What kind of work are you doing exactly?"



"Right now I'm studying the gene mutations in abductees

trying to find some kind of pattern to the mutations. We're

going to attempt the same mutations in lab animals and see

what kind of results we get. Some of the mutations don't

make any sense. They seem harmless, but they aren't

patterns that are normal for human DNA so we just can't

know for sure."



Dana looked at her, the two pairs of blue eyes reading each

other carefully. "You know both my husband and myself have

been abducted, and he expresses some of these abnormal gene

patterns you're talking about."



Julie nodded. "Yes, I knew that. One area I hope to study

is the cancer that is caused by the removal of the

implants. I suspect that nanocyte technology was utilized,

but I need some humans who have had the cancer to study.

Not many are willing to come forward and be experimented on

again. One can hardly blame them, but the only way we're

going to uncover what the aliens plan to do with us is to

figure out what purpose these genetic mutations serve."



"I'd be fine with giving you a blood sample. I don't know

how much help I can be in your genetic research other than

that. I'm an MD, not a geneticist."



"You could learn, and your expertise in forensics would be

better than nothing. There aren't many of us, and an extra

pair of hands always gets the work done quicker. Your

husband would be a lot of help too. His knowledge of the

consortium and his immunity to the black oil would be

invaluable, as well as the opportunity to study his DNA."



"I'm not sure if we're ready to consider going underground.

I mean, we've always been under suspicion. The FBI's most

unwanted." She smiled.



"I was given the impression that your husband at least has

gotten away with a lot of what he does because he is

afforded a certain amount of protection by Spender."



Dana looked down into her cup. "Yes, that's true. And one

never knows when he'll decide he no longer feels generous

and we'll both be dead. Or Mulder's brain will be used as a

human translator for the aliens to read our thoughts

through him. That could be a potential security risk for

you."



Julie nodded in agreement. "Yes, it could be. So why don't

we start with just some blood samples from the two of you

if you don't mind? We can make arrangements for other

assistance you might be able to provide through Kyle. It'll

look less suspicious since Kyle is dating your young doctor

friend."



"Is that why Kyle is dating John? To facilitate this

communication with us?"



Julie sighed. "No, Dana, I can assure that while their

meeting has certainly been beneficial it was entirely

accidental. I think Kyle is falling in love with John,

which concerns me a great deal. I doubt John is ready for

such a commitment yet, but Kyle has spent most of his life

committed to things he couldn't touch and he's desperate to

be loved."



"You mean Elizabeth Maxwell. Mulder told me about her. I

have to ask you, Julie, do you have DNA samples from her?

If I gave you a sample from Moira could you compare them to

see if they have any of the same abnormalities?"



"Yes, I could do that. But I don't think you have anything

to worry about. Your baby is what, a couple of months old?

Elizabeth was the six of a five or six year old by that

age."



"I would still feel better if you did a comparative

analysis. With Moira's dual immunities, we've been

concerned that there could be other abnormalities."



"No problem. I would be glad to do so. I wanted a sample

from her anyway, but I certainly wasn't going to ask you to

do that. There's only so much a mother can be asked to do."



Dana smiled again. She liked the woman already. She was

compassionate and understanding. "I have some EDTA tubes at home.

I can do the blood draws there and have Mulder bring them over. I

think that's safer than bringing Moira to your lab. I'm sure the

fewer people that know where it is the better."



"Yes. There is one more thing you could do if you're willing to

consider it. Elizabeth's mother, Robin, is living at the lab. If

you were to hire her as a housekeeper or a nanny that would give

her a pretext to move about in the city and would make it easier

for her to move information back and forth between us. Kyle isn't

always readily available. Sometimes he's in transit or out of

communication entirely depending on what he's doing." She sighed.

"And he's worked so damned hard for the last couple of years, I'd

love to let him take a break and just spend time with John, which

is all he seems to want to do lately."



Dana sipped at her coffee. "I'll discuss it with Mulder. If she

was willing to do some babysitting I could get a lot more work

done at home. You know, I think Kyle is good for John. John's been

so depressed for months, he was really sliding downhill quickly.

But Kyle seems to make him happy. John's young and he'll find love

again, but there's no convincing him of that."



"That reminds me so much of Kyle last year. He finally met someone

and dated him for a while, but Kyle was in the thick of things and

always on the move and the guy thought Kyle was cheating on him or

something, so they broke up. But he talks about John all the time.

I'm just hoping he doesn't get his heart broken. He's so fragile

in a way. Losing Elizabeth hurt him so much. His dedication to her

was incredible."



Moira interrupted with a plaintive cry.



"Oh boy, that's a milk cry." Dana said, discreetly hitching up her

shirt just enough to put the baby to her breast.



"It's great that you're breastfeeding, it's so much healthier for

the baby." Julie commented.



Dana smirked. "Yeah, especially when all the baby formulas are

made with corn syrup from the new alien genetically enhanced corn.

No Frankenfood for us, thanks."



Julie laughed. "I like you, Dana. It's been such a long time since

I've been able to talk with anyone who gave a damn about medicine.

I'm alone in my lab with an ex CIA operative, a bored as hell

medieval history student, and a love-struck millionaire. I met a

guy about a year ago that I really clicked with, but he's in

hiding right now. He's wanted for questioning by the authorities

for sabotaging some news broadcasts at the teevee station where he

worked. I don't know when I'll get to see him again."



"Well, I need to get going. I didn't tell Mulder where I was going

and he'll be worried. I'll make arrangements to get the blood

samples to you in the next few days. Is calling Kyle the best way

to reach you?"



"Yes, we don't have a phone at the facilities. We have

electricity, but it's only hooked up in the lab. We use kerosene

lamps and heaters in the living quarters. We don't want the power

company to notice the meter is running there again, as Kyle and

Tyler used some creative engineering to hook the power back up."



She stood to shake Dana's hand. "It was really great to meet you.

I hope to hear from you soon."



"You will, I promise." Dana buckled the baby back in her seat and

departed the restaurant, checking carefully again to make sure

they had not been watched.



When she arrived home Mulder was waiting for her. "Where ya been

Scully? I was getting worried about you."



She put Moira in her bassinette and watched the look of concern on

Mulder's face as she removed her gun and holster. "I met with Dr.

Parish."



His expression was neutral, but his eyes went dark. She knew

immediately that he was upset. "And you took the baby with you?"



"Yes, I did. If I can't leave her with you or John I'd rather not

leave her at all. Dr. Parish is doing some research on the alien

genetic mutations, and she'd like blood samples from all three of

us. I told her we'd do it."



Mulder sighed and flipped the grilled cheese sandwiches he was

cooking. "I know it's the right thing to do, but I hate subjecting

you and Moira to more tests. You've been through enough."



Scully came up behind him and leaned in so her cheek was against

his back. "But if we don't do it we may go through a hell of a lot

more before this is over. And it may not ever be over. We have a

responsibility to do what we can to put an end to this. She also

asked us to consider hiring one of their members as some sort of

household help to give her a cover for transporting information in

and out of the city. I could use someone to watch Moira while I

get some work done. If I can keep my bureau work up to date then

Kersh and Doggett won't suspect I'm doing anything behind their

backs, and I won't have to go into the office as much. I think

it's a good idea."



"Who is it? Not that under cover op with the machine gun?"



"No, it's Robin Maxwell, Elizabeth's mother."



"Don't you think that will be a little awkward for John?" he asked

as he slid the sandwiches onto a plate. Even working from home

part time now this was about as far as his cooking repertoire had

expanded.



"It might be, but John will have to live with Elizabeth's ghost

just as Kyle will have to live with Walter's. It's not like

neither of them is bringing any emotional baggage into this

relationship. And if I do end up doing research for them, it would

be safer to send it by hand than over the phone lines." She took

him by the arm and turned him to face her, her blue eyes looking

gravely into his hazel ones.



"Mulder, I have to do this. We have to do this. It's the right

thing to do. We have to put aside our fears about what's already

been done to us and think about what could still be done to us if

we don't find a way to stop it."



He put his arms around her. "As usual, you're right. I know you're

right, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm scared shitless

over the idea of losing you or Moira. And what about the fact that

the aliens can use my brain as a radio anytime they see fit? Won't

that make me a security risk, not to mention the fact that having

it done to me fucking sucks."



"Julie and I discussed that. But you already know where their base

is, and when they're using you you can read the thoughts of anyone

in your proximity, which would mean you could tap into me, John,

Kyle, and later even Moira. You can't control it. It's just a

chance we'll have to take. I'll find a way to get some IV supplies

and Depakote and Dilantin so we can head it off at the pass if it

happens again."



Mulder gave her a sarcastic grin. "You mean I shouldn't just wear

an aluminum foil hat all the time? I read in the Illuminati that's

supposed to work."



She gave him a gentle shove and scowled jokingly, going to the

refrigerator to make a salad so she didn't have to eat the butter-

laden sandwiches he had made for dinner.



It had only been an hour into John's shift when the call came

asking him to interview for an attending ER position at Georgetown

Memorial. He hastily made plans with the ER director to conduct

the interview on Thursday, his next day off at County General.

John didn't know if he could last the two days until then. He was

so happy he was floating.



Over the course of the evening his thoughts sobered as he wondered

how he could spend time with Kyle while he was living in the home

he had shared with Walter. He just couldn't bring Kyle there. He

couldn't make love with him in the bed he and Walter had bought

together and christened over and over again with their passion.

The townhouse was just as Walter had left it, holding vigil for

all of John's hopes that Walter would come home and all would be

as it had been before.



John was still waiting to realize that wasn't going to happen. It

hit him in little waves, lapping at the edge of his heart and

mind. He kept waiting for some immense revelation that would allow

him to accept it, but it came in smaller packages. Phone calls

that didn't come, an email he would write and then realize Walter

would never receive. Life insurance forms the FBI sent him to fill

out as Walter's next of kin. All small, painful reminders of the

truth, but not enough for him to fully believe this all wasn't

some terrible dream he would wake up from soon. The only time he

really believed Walter was gone forever was when he was with Kyle,

because he wouldn't be with Kyle if there were any chance he would

ever see Walter alive again.



John went through the rest of his shift in a daze, his emotions

muddled. Part of him was blatantly elated at the possibility of an

attending position, and the prospect of starting over in DC, but

he was also saddened at all he would be leaving behind. He loved

Chicago, fucking terrible weather and all. He'd grown up here. But

he knew it was time to move on. He couldn't live in Kerry Weaver's

basement forever. He had to face the townhouse and the memories it

held and try to make it his home even without Walter.



By Thursday John was a nervous wreck when he boarded the plane. He

wanted a drink so badly, but common sense won out of his frazzled

nerves. He tried to nap on the short flight but all he could do

was fidget in his seat like a child waiting for Christmas morning.



He took a cab from the airport to the hospital. He didn't want to

have to face Mulder or Scully if the interview went poorly. He

readjusted the knot in his tie a dozen times during the short

ride. His collar felt too tight and he felt overdressed in his

best suit. John's style was a bit more Eddie Bauer than Armani.



The director offered John the job on the spot. It took John less

than a heartbeat to say yes. He had two weeks to pack up his life

in Chicago and start full time at Georgetown. He took a cab to the

townhouse and was glad to see the FBI fleet car was still there.

Mulder must have forgotten to send someone to pick it up. John was

relieved that it started after sitting unused for 5 months.



He drove to Mulder and Scully's to find Margaret Scully there with

Moira.



"Hi Maggie, where are Mulder and Dana?"



"They're both at the office for some meeting. How are you John?

You've actually got some color in your cheeks. You look happy. I'm

glad to see you smiling again. I know how hard it's been for you

since Walter disappeared."



"Yeah, I have something to celebrate for once. I got an attending

position at Georgetown, so I'll be moving here permanently. This

was what Walter and I had been planning all along."



"Congratulations John, that's wonderful news." Maggie leaned down

to pick the baby up from her bouncy seat. "Isn't that great,

Pumpkin? Uncle John is going to live here all the time so you have

Granny and Uncle John to spoil you rotten." She cooed at the baby.



John felt the familiar sadness encroaching that Moira would never

get spoiled by her Uncle Walter, who would have loved her so much.

He wondered if every good thing that every happened to him would

be tainted by the fact that Walter wasn't there to enjoy it with

him.



"Maggie, you can push off if you want to. I'll stay here with

Moira. Moira and Uncle John have lots of playing to do, don't we

darling?" he grinned at the baby and got an impressive spit bubble

in return.



"Well, Fox and Dana should be home by five and I do have some

errands to run, so I think I'll take you up on your offer. She's

just had a bottle and been changed, so she should conk out on you

pretty soon." She handed her little granddaughter off to John and

reached for her coat. "Thank you John, I hope to see you soon now

that you'll be moving here."



"You too Maggie. Drive safely." John settled onto the couch with

the baby in his lap, watching her coo and gurgle and wave her tiny

pink fists in the air. "Moira, are you Uncle John's best

girlfriend? Yes you are sweetheart. Just you wait, Uncle John is

gonna teach you to play basketball even better than your daddy. He

thinks he's so good cause he's taller than everyone else, but

we'll show him. And you're gonna grow up and do something really

important, but nothing to do with the government or Uncle John

will break your daddy's kneecaps." He nuzzled his cheek against

the baby's velvety soft head, luxuriating in the sweet innocence

of her company. He couldn't have loved her more if she were his

own.



As Margaret Scully predicted Moira was soon asleep in John's lap.

John carefully slipped his cell phone out of his pocket and

punched in Kyle's number, anxious to share his good news with

someone.



"Bates." Kyle answered.



"Kyle, it's John."



"Oh, wow, John, I'm so glad you called. I miss you like crazy. How

are you? Where are you?"



"I'm in D.C. I've got great news. I got the attending job. I'll be

moving here permanently."



"That is great news." He lowered his voice and whispered in a

hushed tone. "I really miss you, John. I'd like to throw you on

the nearest piece of furniture and ravish you."



The very thought made John's heart beat faster. "Sounds lovely.

When are we going to be able to see each other again?"



"Well, as luck would have it I'm across town from you right now.

Would you like to meet somewhere?"



John groaned. "Oh, I can't. I'm babysitting Moira til five."



"Then how bout I come over there?"



John wondered fleeting in Mulder and Dana would mind before

answering. "Sure. Let me give you the address."



They hung up with plans to meet in half an hour. John moved Moira

from his lap to her bassinette, and wheeled the bassinette

carefully into the nursery. He turned on the baby monitor and

turned it up load enough that he could hear her breathe from the

receiving end in the living room.



He helped himself to a beer from the fridge and sat down to wait

for Kyle. A half hour passed before Kyle knocked on the door. Kyle

whistled when Kyle answered the door.



"Whoa, Doctor Carter, Armani suits you, literally. You look

incredible."



John blushed. "Thanks. I've been dying to get back into some

jeans, but the look on your face made it worth staying in the

monkey suit for a while."



Kyle closed the door and pulled John into his arms, kissing him

deeply and thoroughly until John's head swam and his erection

strained against his gray wool suit pants.



"Oh God." John moaned when he came up for air. "How do you do that

Kyle? There's no documented medical evidence that you can liquefy

someone's bones..."



Kyle didn't give him time to answer. He pulled John down onto the

black leather sofa and undid his tie and the first three buttons

of his shirt. He left a trail of fiery hot kisses from John's ear

to his collar bone. John wanted nothing more than to lose himself

in Kyle completely.



He stood silently and removed his jacket and vest. Kyle stood in

front of him and unbuttoned the rest of his shirt, sliding the

starched white cotton from John's shoulders and hanging it

carefully over the back of a chair. John pulled at Kyle's leather

jacket, whispering in his ear "You, naked, now."



Kyle nodded mutely and complied quickly. Soon both men were down

to their underwear and wrestling passionately on the couch, hungry

for one another's touch. John had learned that he loved a

particular trait of Kyle's that Walter had not shared; he liked to

talk during sex.



"My God John, you are so sexy." Kyle panted in John's ear while he

ran the pads of his thumbs over his nipples. "You have no clue

what you do to me. You make me crazy. I can't stop thinking about

you."



John gasped, panting heavily. He slid his hand down Kyle's belly

and past the waistband of his briefs. Kyle groaned and John

grinned slyly in satisfaction. He gently rubbed the head of Kyle's

penis until Kyle was thrusting against John's hip, chanting his

name.



"If you want to make love I have get up and get a condom." John

whispered in Kyle's ear, running his tongue along the lobe. Kyle

shivered.



"No, I trust you. I don't want to feel anything but you."



John chuckled, his voice deep and throaty. "I still have to get up

and find some lube Sweetheart."



Kyle kissed him again and released him. John padded into the

bathroom and rummaged in the medicine cabinet. Nothing. He went to

Mulder and Scully's bedroom, all too conscious of the fact that he

was running naked around his best friends' apartment. He looked in

their bedside drawer and laughed when he found a bottle of banana

crme flavored Motion Lotion. He couldn't imagine the two of them

doing anything remotely kinky; using this was probably their idea

of a wild time.



He took the bottle back to the living room and dangled it in front

of Kyle. "I think we should see if it's really banana flavored."

He teased.



Kyle grinned. "But not on the leather couch. I don't think your

friends would appreciate that."



John grinned, spreading a blanket from the back of the couch on

the floor. "I think Moira was conceived on that couch, actually."

He drew Kyle down onto the floor and rolled him onto his back,

rubbing the lotion into his back, then licking and kissing his way

down the man's spine. The stuff didn't taste half bad, and the

small moans and shivers from Kyle only made John's own desire

grown. He pressed his penis into the cleft between Kyle's buttocks

at he devoured his shoulders and back.



"John, Jesus, please." Kyle moaned as John spread the lubricant

between his buttocks and gently inserted two fingers into his

anus. John found him relaxed and ready.



"On your hands and knees." John instructed, his breath coming hot

and fast.



Kyle complied and in one motion John entered him, grasping Kyle's

hips with all his strength. Kyle pushed back to take him further

inside.



Their lovemaking was slow and gentle, with Kyle whispering loving

things to John and John responding in turn with things he'd never

said before to anyone. He was giddy with the powerful feeling of

Kyle's responses to his touch.



John climaxed then used his hand to help Kyle find release. Both

were exhausted and panting from exertion on the green chenille

blanket before long, holding one another as they quaked and

shivered from the adrenaline coursing through them. John held Kyle

tightly, realizing with wonder how much he had come to depend on

the other man in such a short period of time. He really cared

about him. He hoped Kyle realized it, because he just couldn't

bring himself to say the words yet. He kissed Kyle's brow

tenderly, hoping the gesture conveyed his feelings.



They both stiffened when they heard a key turn in the lock. John

looked up at the clock on the wall and realized it was 5:15. "Oh

fuck, it's Mulder and Dana."



When Mulder opened the door to his apartment his saw two naked men

streak past him and slam the bathroom door behind them. He pulled

his tech 9 from it's holster and stepped carefully into the

apartment. He moved silently down the hallway, gesturing for Dana

to go in the nursery with the baby. He approached the bathroom

door and called out "FBI, come out with your hands up. If you have

a weapon, open the door and kick it out."



A trembling voice responded. "Mulder, it's John. I'm in here with

Kyle."



Mulder was trying hard not to burst into laughter, but lost any

vestige of control when Scully approached him, holding out the

bottle of Motion Lotion she'd found on the floor. He leaned

against the wall, laughing so hard tears welled up in his eyes.



John opened the door just a crack. "Mulder, could you please hand

us our clothes?" he asked contritely.



Mulder wiped at the tears pooling in the corners of his eyes,

snorting in his effort to stop laughing. "Did you fuck on my

leather couch? That banana stuff will leave a stain."



John turned an impossible shade of red. "No, but you might want to

throw that blanket on the floor in the wash. We didn't realize how

late it was. I'm so sorry."



Still laughing, Mulder went to the living room and retrieved the

clothes scattered all over the living room floor. He noticed

John's wool Armani suit draped over the back of Scully's desk

chair. "Hey John," he called down the hallway. "Do you want your

suit or do you want some sweats?"



"Sweats please." John yelled back.



Mulder got the sweats from his dresser drawer and went back to the

bathroom door. He heard the shower running. "I'm gonna open the

door, close my eyes, and toss your clothes in." he said. "One,

two, three!" and on three he opened the door wide enough to toss

the clothes on top of the hamper and shut it tight behind him.



A few minutes later two considerably embarrassed men came out of

the bathroom and into the living room. Mulder and Scully were

sitting on the couch,   mirthful smiles on both their faces.



"Did we interrupt something?" Scully asked innocently.



Kyle extended his hand to her. "Hello Dr. Scully, I'm Kyle. It's a

pleasure to finally meet you."



Dana took his hand. "You too, Kyle, though I must confess I didn't

expect to see quite so much of you on our first meeting."



He blushed four different shades of red. "Julie told me to thank

you for sending the blood samples. She'll let you know if anything

turns up. She also said Robin will be coming by tomorrow around

4pm. If that's a problem let me know and we'll make other

arrangements."



"No, that's just fine. John, we spent the afternoon in Kersh's

office wrapping up the paperwork on Walter's case. He's officially

legally dead. I brought you copies of all the paper work. You

should be getting a check from his pension fund and life insurance

in a few weeks."



John sobered, and looked grateful when Kyle gave his hand a

reassuring squeeze. "I'm planning on putting the money in a trust

for Moira's college education. Walter would have wanted that."



Dana watched the silent exchange between the two young men, and

gave her husband a knowing look. She'd looked at Mulder like that

for almost ten years now. John was falling for Kyle Bates, and

falling hard.



"Kyle, would you like to stay for dinner?" Scully asked.



"Sure, I'd love to." He replied.



The baby cried in the next room. "I'll get her." John said, going

to retrieve her. He carried her back into the living room and

handed her to her mother.



"She's trying to latch onto my shirt, Scully, I think she's

hungry."



Dana lifted her shirt and let the rooting baby latch onto her

breast. Moira gulped hungrily.



"She's not the only one who's hungry." Mulder said, grinning

goofily at his daughter. "What will you guys have? Tuna fish,

grilled cheese or we can order a pizza."



Half an hour later they were all sitting around chatting while

eating pizza and drinking beers. John was happy to be out in

public with Kyle, glad that he had his closest friend's approval

of the relationship. It was nice to hold someone's hand in public

again.







Two weeks later John's relationship with Kyle was officially out

of the closet. John invited Kyle to come to his farewell party at

County General and Kyle gladly accepted. The event was tearful on

both John and his co worker's parts. He really was going to miss

them all. He felt like he had grown up there. He noted sadly that

Lucy Knight should have been there too. Wherever she was, he hoped

she and Walter were in a better place.



After leaving the party John spent his last night in Kerry

Weaver's basement. He and Kyle made love on the narrow twin bed

and fell asleep in each other's arms. Before John drifted off he

could swear he heard Kyle whisper "I love you." In his ear. John

eased into a deep and peaceful sleep.



It was a crisp clear Saturday at the end of March when John packed

the last of his belongings into the Montero and prepared to leave

Chicago.  Kerry Weaver hugged him tightly with tears in her eyes.



"Please don't be a stranger John. Keep in touch."



"I will." He promised. "You've been great Kerry. You've been a

wonderful teacher and more of a friend than I deserved sometimes."

He kissed her on the forehead. "Thank you for everything."



John made the drive with a cloud of melancholy hanging over him.

He was starting a new life, but he wasn't sure he was ready to

leave the old one behind. Kyle was definitely more than just a

casual part of his life now, but John still hadn't invited him to

the townhouse. It still felt like Walter's space, and John still

wanted to feel as close to Walter as possible.



The sky was shimmering with pink predawn light when John arrived

in D.C. He pulled back the deck curtains and watched the sun come

up, deciding the boxes in the car could wait until later. It was

just a few changes of clothes, some cds and a bunch of medical

journals anyway.



During the long quiet drive he'd made a decision. It had been the

hardest thing he'd ever done in his entire life. Now all he had to

do was wait for a socially acceptable hour to call Dana Scully and

ask her help in executing it.







Later that afternoon Dana arrived with the baby in tow and the

back of her car full of empty cardboard boxes. John unloaded the

boxes and carried them upstairs to the bedroom. Dana followed him,

laying the baby on the bed to finish her nap. John opened the

closet door and was engulfed in the smell of Walter that washed

over him from the clothes hanging in the closet. John took the

sleeve of a shirt and held it to his nose, inhaling deeply. A lone

tear weaved it's way down his cheek.



"Are you really ready to do this John?" Dana asked tenderly. John

was trembling all over.



He nodded. "Yeah, I have to do this. It's time. I can't keep

renting hotel rooms to spend time with Kyle because I can't handle

bringing him here. I have to do something."



Dana sat down on the edge of the bed. "You know, a few weeks after

Mulder disappeared I packed up some of his things in the office,

including his nameplate off his desk. It wasn't that I didn't want

them there; I did more than anything in the world. I wanted to sit

and look at them all day and think of him. I wanted it all to be

just like he'd left it so I could pretend he'd just gone for

coffee and would be back any second. That's exactly why I had to

put those things away. I didn't get rid of them, but I had to put

them where I couldn't see them. Things were different, and I had

to do something to remind myself of that or I would have sat there

at his desk and daydreamed all day. They say the outer reflects

the inner; maybe it's true. Maybe you have to change the outer to

let the inner accept the change."



John nodded again, understanding the jist of what she was saying.

Perhaps in order to accept that Walter was gone he had to stop

keeping the townhouse arranged as a picture of their life

together. He wasn't ready to redecorate or anything of the sort,

and the thought of cleaning out Walter's study made him physically

ill, but he'd gone to the hardware store earlier then came home

and spackled over the bullet holes in the wall downstairs. Dana

had come to help him pack up Walter's clothes in the closet.



They went about their task somberly, meticulously folding Walter's

shirts and suit pants and jackets, John labeling each box with the

exact contents before moving them to the downstairs closet. John

went through the dresser drawers and kept most of the sweats and

tee shirts for himself, packing away the socks and sweaters and

underwear and ties. He went to the antique box on the dresser and

fished out the engagement ring that had once belonged to Sharon

Skinner. He handed it to Dana.



"This if for Moira. You can keep it safe until she's ready to wear

it."



"Thank you John. I can't wait to tell her one day who gave it to

her and how much he would have loved her." Tears welled in her

eyes. Walter had been so gentle and protective of her during her

pregnancy. A close friendship had developed during their search

for Mulder, and he'd become far more than just her superior at

work; he'd become almost a father figure, or at least the older

brother Bill had never been to her. Bill had barely spoken to her

since she'd told her family her unmarried catholic self was

carrying Mulder's child. The quick wedding ceremony in the library

of the Hoover building a mere week before Moira's birth had not

warmed Bill to Mulder one iota.



By late afternoon Walter's clothing and shoes were all packed

neatly away in the hall closet downstairs and the new bedding John

had bought was on the bed. The flannel sheets and duvet cover had

come from Ikea, John fondly remembered his last shopping trip to

Ikea with Walter that had gotten him dubbed "Ikea Boy" by his

lover. Walter had indulged the fact that John preferred flannel

sheets year round. Their argument in the store over flannel verses

cotton knit sheets had been so domestic and pathetically cute.

John had felt like they were an old married couple. The memory

made his heart clench painfully. He'd had no idea how damn hard

this was going to be.



Later in the evening Mulder arrived with more empty boxes. John

stared blankly at the teevee with Moira in his lap while Mulder

and Dana went through Walter's study, packing up all the FBI and

Xfile related files to take home with them, leaving all the tax

papers and vehicle registration forms and bank statements where

John could find them. Occasionally Mulder would come out of the

room with a book in hand and ask John if he could have it. John

said yes without even looking at the title. His only instructions

had been that he wanted everything related to the FBI out of the

house. He also gave Mulder all the handguns in the house; Walter's

service weapon and two personal guns he had owned. John detested

guns.



Mulder and Dana left around midnight. John had been awake 36 hours

now and was seeing double. He went upstairs to the bedroom and

opened the closet again, looking at the neatly hung rows of chinos

and button down oxford cloth shirts that made up his wardrobe. His

running shoes and three identical pairs of brown loafers were in

the shoe rack. His ties and suspenders hung on Walter's battery

operated rotating tie rack, a joke gift from John their second

Christmas together. It looked like the closet of a single man.

John sighed heavily, refusing to cry yet again. Dear God he missed

Walter. He climbed into the bed with the soft new navy blue

flannel sheets and fell into a fitful sleep.



He dreamed of Walter. They were standing in the hallway, Walter

dressed as if he were leaving on a business trip in his crisp

white shirt and tailored suit, his suitcase on the floor at his

feet. He kissed John sweetly on the lips and then the forehead,

whispering "Goodbye Love." In John's ear. He picked up the

suitcase and walked out the door. John screamed for him to stop,

don't go, don't leave me, I love you, but Walter walked away as if

he didn't hear John's desperate pleas.



John woke screaming Walter's name, the sound of his voice

reverberating off the walls of the bedroom, bouncing the sound of

his misery across the room like a banshee gone wild with grief. He

got up and turned on every light in the house before settling back

to sleep.







"Good afternoon sleepyhead." Kyle's voice said over the telephone.

John looked at the clock and saw that it was 1p.m.



"Damn, I didn't mean to sleep so late. How are you?"



"I'm fine, it was you I was worried about. Dana said you guys had

kind of a rough day yesterday."



"Yeah, well, I've had better. It was hard but I'm glad it's done."



"I know what you mean. Selling the house where Elizabeth and I

lived was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life.

Letting go isn't easy."



John looked at the wedding band on his finger. "No, it's not."



"Would you like some company? I'll bring you breakfast in bed and

dessert too." Kyle said suggestively. John could here his smile in

the tone of his voice.



His throat was so tight he almost couldn't get the words out. "Not

yet Kyle. Just not yet. Soon. Why don't I get dressed and come

over there?"



Kyle sighed. "Sure, why not? Ham's the only one here, and you know

how soundproof the walls are. At least only one of my colleagues

will hear me begging you to fuck me." He couldn't keep the

aggravation from his voice. The fact that he was the only one

living that was getting laid on a regular basis made him the brunt

of many jokes at, especially when John came to the warehouse cum

rebel compound. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out

what they were doing when they disappeared into Kyle's tiny

bedroom and locked the door.



"Kyle, I'm sorry. I'm trying. I really am. Soon, okay?"



"Okay John. See you in a little while?"



"yeah, let me get a shower and get dressed and I'll be over."



John pondered his hesitation to bring Kyle to the townhouse while

he let the hot water of the shower pour over him. He too was

admittedly tired of having quickie sex on Mulder and Dana's living

room floor when they weren't home or at the warehouse where they

had to be as quiet as possible or everyone in the building knew

they were going at it. But he still saw the townhouse as Walter's

domain. It had been their home. He didn't want to create new

memories there; he wanted to live in quiet despair with the old

ones.



John let himself into the compound with the key Kyle had given

him, calling out as he opened the door. "Ham, don't shoot me, it's

John." John had no doubt Ham Tyler would shoot a stranger coming

through that door on the spot. Mulder had told him a few stories

about Hamilton Tyler, and the man was single-handedly  responsible

for a handful of military conflicts in third world countries. All

funded by the US government, of course.



Kyle came out of the common area and hugged John. "Hey Medicine

Man. How does it feel to be an official resident of the District

of Columbia?"



"Well, it's not official until I get a new driver's license, but

so far it feels pretty good. It was nice not having to worry about

pissing Kerry off by using all the hot water or not loading the

dishwasher after I ate."



"Try living with three other people and two of them women. It's

like having a houseful of mothers. And I get all the flack cause

no one would dare tell Ham what to do."



"Do you still have to go to LA next week and pick that Donovan guy

up?"



"Mike? Yeah, I have to bring him his fake ID. Those three friends

of Mulder's are really fucking weird but they were very helpful in

getting the forged passports and driver's license."



John chuckled. "yeah, the Gunmen aren't bad guys. A little geeky,

but their hearts are in the right place. They live to be

subversive." He put his arm around Kyle's waist and nibbled on his

ear. "So where is everybody?"



"Ham is around here somewhere, Julie and Scully went to some

library to do some research and Robin is at their place with

Moira."



"Hey, your mother in law is moving in on my quality time with my

little princess." John teased.



Kyle snaked his hand down the back of John's jeans and grabbed his

ass firmly, pulling him closer. "Would you rather be here with me

about to laid or watching the baby sleep?"



"Mmmm..." John responded, melting into the embrace. "Tough call. I

think I need some convincing."



Kyle kissed him as if his life depended on it, possessing John's

mouth completely. One of his fingers found it's way between the

cleft of John's buttocks and traced a feathery circle around his

rectum, instantly making John painfully erect. He could feel

Kyle's own erection poking into his bony hip. John moaned "Oh

Jesus Kyle, I can't stand up if you keep doing that."



"Good God, you two get a fucking room!" the voice made the two men

jump. Ham Tyler wore his usual irritated expression as he came

into the room.



"You're just jealous!" Kyle tossed over his shoulder as he and

John headed for his room.



Once the door was closed behind them John took Kyle's face between

his hands and kissed him, sucking and nibbling on his full sensual

lips as their tongues clashed and collided. John pulled Kyle's

shirt off in one swift motion and began working on his button fly

jeans.



"Damn 501s." He muttered. "I'm getting you breakaway pants for

Christmas."



Kyle gave a throaty chuckle and peeled away John's Henley shirt,

tossing it on a chair. Soon Kyle's jeans were around his ankles

and Kyle was on his knees devouring his penis with his mouth. John

ran his fingers through Kyle's hair, his head swimming in a haze

of desire. Kyle started rimming him with his finger again and John

had to muster up his voice to speak.



"No, I want you inside me." He said, the words coming out a barely

audible whisper between panting breaths.



Kyle stood and the both stepped out of their pants and underwear.

John laid down on the bed and tried to assume an alluring

position, his penis so erect it pointed like an arrow to his belly

button. Kyle reached into a cabinet on the headboard for lube and

a condom. John took the condom away and put it on the nightstand.

He looked at Kyle, his eyes dark with passion. "I want to feel

you."



Kyle nodded, awed at the level of trust John had just conveyed in

those few words, and desperately aroused by them. "Lay on your

side." He instructed John.



Kyle laid down beside him and kissed and licked his way down

John's neck, back and buttocks. John was trembling in his arms

when he applied the lubricant to his rectum and began to slowly

slide his fingers in and out of John's anus. John played with his

own penis as Kyle penetrated him with his hand. His desperation to

feel the now familiar fullness grew and he begged. "Now Kyle,

please..."



Kyle obliged. He entered John in one smooth motion. John cried out

in pleasure, pushing back to receive his lover completely. Kyle

grabbed his hips and took control of their motions, pulling John

towards him with each thrust. When he felt on the verge of climax

he took hold of John's penis and began to slide his hand up and

down the velvety soft skin of the rock hard shaft. His own climax

came as he felt John's hot semen spill out onto his hand and

John's shouts of ecstasy. Before he could stop himself he heard

himself saying "I love you John, oh God I love you." As his brain

function was reduced to the level of random sparks of light behind

his eyes.



John grew still and silent. As Kyle's brain and body reconnected

he pulled out and kissed the back of John's neck. "I'm sorry John,

I know that's not what you wanted to here. I'm sorry if I've made

this to intense too fast."



John rolled over and looked at him. "Kyle, it was really nice to

hear someone say that to me again. And I do.care.very deeply for

you. This isn't a fling. I can see myself needing this in my life,

but I think I'm scared."



Kyle kissed his forehead. "You think too much."



John chuckled. "yeah, I suppose I do."